Sometimes I think that I only keep this blog around to visit every few years, change layouts, spiff it up, make promises that I'll never keep and then fade back into obscurity. It's weird to think that I was such an avid, dare I say, active online journalist back in the early 2000s (circa 2001-02). I look back to those old entries from my time spent at Diaryland and I can't believe that I ever had time to post something almost every single day! Of course, I was a lot more disciplined with my commitment to losing weight and only having 1 child at the time, and being a stay-at-home Mom might have contributed to my having more time back in the day.
Side note: I look at Diaryland now and all the journals that I used to read are defunct now. It seems that between 2003 and 2005 there was this mass exodus from the grandfather of free online diaries. Poor Andrew. Sadly, I just think he charged too much for his "gold" membership that were features given for free from Blogger and other online diaries at the time. Blogger seems to have held up pretty well through the years though and lucky for me, they don't delete journals that have owners who are all too willy-nilly with their consistency on when they put entries up.
But ANYWAY....
So I don't even know what to call what I'm doing right now. Maybe a desperate act of a last ditch effort to not go into my 40s being overweight. Or maybe I'm just trying to improve on my health that I have run into the ground for the last 8 years. Sometimes I still think that I haven't gotten it. That it hasn't clicked for me. That my goal should be health and not being slimmer. It's such a fine line to walk when the pursuit for a healthier life often leads you to the results of being slimmer. I think I tell myself all the time that I want to be healthier but in being honest with ya'll and myself, yeah, if I had to work really hard to improve my health but I would forever be this size? Not a real upside for me there.
And here is the part where you guys are going to want to strangle me. I have a man in my life and I want to look good for him. What? Did I just say that? As women we are so often taught we do not need men to validate us, we don't need men to have babies, we don't need men to provide for us, we don't even need men to take out the trash and lock the doors at night. The thought of trying to be slimmer for a man might just set women's liberation back 100 years. I am blessed and lucky that I have a man who loves me for who I am. He doesn't push me to lose the weight. He supports my efforts in being healthy but most of all he supports me in doing what it takes to just FEEL better in my own skin. I just want to love being in this body. Right now, my reality is that I just don't. It's created two wonderful children and well it's the body I have and I need to respect it and take better care of it. Is it so wrong if I add onto that a desire to look good for the man I love? I'm a very sexual being and frankly, I'm just not feeling it with the weight on. I'm just not at a point in my physical state that I can do all the things I want to do in the bed or out so, the options? Either complain about it, put myself down for STILL being fat or move on and just get with the program and surrender to the process no matter how hard it might be. I have to surrender to this process and the amount of time it is going to take.
Days are going to go by anyway, years are going to go by whether I want them to or not. I can either be doing something productive or I can be gaining 15 lbs. in 18 months. It's time to nip this in the bud.
Although I do have to say 15 lbs in 18 months is probably the slowest weight gain I've had in my entire life!
So, short term goal? I'm looking to be under 200 by the last weekend of October. That's when I see my guy again (it's a long distance relationship) and I think that's a good, reasonable goal. If not, I'll re-evaluate.
I've signed up for Lost It! which is a website that will track food and exercise and I'm looking to download an app on my phone that helps with meal planning and grocery shopping lists. I need all the help I can get. I plan to work out 6 days a week for the first 6 weeks. I'm working out to the first "The Biggest Loser" DVD they came out with after Season 2. (Yes, it has been sitting on the shelf that long. Don't judge.) At the end of this self-imposed boot camp in 6 weeks, I'll move on to something else but I just need to commit to this process for 6 weeks. That's my goal. 6 weeks.
In addition to this online journal, I have an organizing calendar date book that I'm going to be keeping track of everything. I'm not going to feel guilty or beat myself up if I don't post stuff here, as long as I'm still on track and keeping tabs in my date book. I won't be a slave to Blogger, but I do hope that it will offer me that place to reflect on my thoughts and maybe, should I gain a loyal reader or two, some accountability. Even that is a double edge sword. You post your life online and you honestly open yourself up to the opinions of people that don't have your best interests at heart. That can often be painful and non-productive.
I guess I won't know what this journey, this time, is going to be like. I'm curious to know, and a little bit scared. Scared I won't be successful again and maybe a bit scared I will.
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